Planning For Rapture Day

I kinda need to know if this rapture thing is real or not because it will have a huge impact on how I spend the next day and a half of my life. Obviously if there’s a rapture I am not going to waste my time going into work tonight. I do wish the rapture was Sunday night so I could let all the Sunday church people know how rude and annoying they are when I wait on them every Sunday. I thought I’d better cross that line out in case the rapture doesn’t happen, I will still need my job. I have about $3000 bucks left in the bank so I need to do something fun for rapture day. Anyone know an attractive female I can buy and get to marry me within the next 24 hours so I can make love without getting in trouble for it before the rapture. By the way mom if you read that it was a joke so please don’t make any awkward comments next time I come over. I really need the rapture not to happen tomorrow though because the Chargers haven’t won the Super Bowl yet and that needs to happen before I float away. I would really like to get in the triple digit weight bracket before I ascend so I am probably going to have to eat non-stop for the next 33 hours if I want to achieve that. Heaven is perfect so does that mean I get hair up there? I would also like to be a foot taller in Heaven so it isn’t awkward when me and Taylor Swift start dating since she’s already like 8 feet tall. I think that covers it, good luck to everyone tomorrow hope to see you all in Heaven except for the girl on facebook who said I have a lisp and sound like a 16-year-old going through puberty, you can stay behind oh and they lady that said I suck at being a server the other day, you can stay behind as well.

My Perfect Plan To Get Attention From The Ladies

I decided I am tired of being a single loser and that it’s time to get a lady. Obviously the four people who actually read this understand that I’m afraid of approaching women so I figured I needed to find a way to get them to approach me. And I have come up with the PERFECT plan, a pet duck. I am going to get a pet duck and take it on walks, girls are obviously going to come up to me and want to pet my pet duck. That way they approach me and it’s a great icebreaker. What kind of girl can resist a guy with a pet duck? Then I will just tell her that my duck would really like her number, because no girl can turn down a ducks request for a number. For all you people who are going to try to warn me how messy ducks are, I have already invested in duck diapers. I am good to go. It’s a flawless plan, right?

Funeral Plans

Since my apartment is on the third floor, I am probably going to die tonight from the tornadoes so I figured I would go ahead and plan my funeral so no one can make it boring and lame. First off, everyone please attend and invite your friends I want the people in Heaven to think I am cool and think I have alot of friends. Then maybe I won’t be last picked on the Heaven dodgeball team. If Michael Jackson is picked before me I will be highly upset. Anyway, I would like to be buried in a Chargers swimsuit and my Shawne Merriman Chargers jersey. Also please tweet the Charger team and invite them to my funeral, tell them it’s the least they can do since they didn’t win a Super Bowl before I died. If you could also tweet @ParvatiShallow and let her know I would like her to attend as my date to my own funeral. I will lose all my cool points in Heaven if I don’t have a hot date there. Also I would like to be carried in with a drum line and African dancers. I want people to spend about an hour and 47 minutes talking about how great I am. My favorite thing is karaoke so please make sure there’s lots of karaoke and dancing. I want Chick-Fil-A and Mellow Mushroom to cater the funeral reception. Also if anyone could arrange it that Taylor Swift performs I would appreciate that. I think that covers it. Oh yeah and I want everyone to come in costume because costume parties are always more fun.

How Not To Impress A Girl…..

So I thought I would go run Kennesaw Mountain, try to keep in the double digits so I can continue playing the role of the poor pathetic virgin (kidding). It was raining so all the way up the entire mountain I did not pass a single person. Well half way down the mountain, I see the first person all day and of course it was an attractive female. I should have just won her over with my great looks, but I decide to be cool and try to impress her. I start sprinting and try and do some cool leap from rock to rock, which actually would only be cool if I was trying to impress an 8 year old boy, but in the moment I thought I looked cool. And of course I can’t function properly around an attractive female so naturally I slip while I’m trying to “be cool” skipping on the rocks but no I don’t just trip a little, I do a flip and land flat on my face. The girl kind of stops to check on me, I get up and decide that I am going to now win her over with my great humor and make a joke out of it. However, when I get up to make a joke my voice cracks. And not just a small crack, I sounded like a frog with laryngitis. At this point any chance at being cool is lost so I just start sprinting like Forrest Gump. This is why I have a hard time talking to girls it always needs in disaster.

Next American Idol?

If you could breed Stevie Wonders voices with the voice of an Angel then you would get my voice. Everytime I open my mouth to sing (which is often) I blow myself away. However apparently I am the only person who feels that way because I am told atleast twice a day that I am the worst singer in the world and I really don’t get it because I honestly think I am amazing beyond belief. The only time I recieved the credit I deserved for my singing was in Costa Rica, I recieved a standing ovation and was offered free drinks. Here is a video of my greatness, however it was my first performance and since then I have become quite the performer as well. This was at a family reunion and I was very nervous, I had a cute cousin I was trying to impress.

Things You Should Never Say To Your Server

I have worked as a server for 4 years, and I have learned that there is a certain way to approach things and that there are certain things you should never say to your server. For example if you like the soup just tell me it was good and that you really enjoyed it, don’t say “I loved the soup today, it is really good when it doesn’t have the wet sperm texture”, because I have no idea how to respond to your dislike of wet sperm. If you can’t stand your deaf husband, I don’t need to know that you wish his Mother had just had an abortion. If you want your steak could medium rare just tell me that, there is no need to explain how you just pulled your tooth out with pliers and how it hurts to chew, you never know when your server has a phobia of missing teeth and will freak out. If you think there is a hair in your salad just say “I think there is a hair in my salad” not “hey, I just shaved my beaver so I know these aren’t my pubes in the salad” I don’t need to know that. Also if you are a 75 year-old woman please don’t tell me that if I were a few years older you swear you would rape me because as a 22 year virgin your just getting my hopes up if you don’t follow through.

Cribs: Intern Edition

Since all the other big a-listers are doing it, I figured I would do a MTV Cribs of my new apartment. Actually I just want to show the alleged breaker inner that unless you are a huge Chargers fan there in no reason to break in my apartment. Plus if you kill a 5’4 virgin who weighs less than 100 lbs you don’t get any street cred points. Anyways back to my crib.

You think I’m crazy? Meet my Grandpa.

I’ll start off with the story of how when my Grandpa tried to convince me to go to the family reunion a couple years ago he calls me and says “kyle, you really need to make it to the family reunion this year, there are some really pretty girls here”. Two years ago I thought it was creepy and disgusting, but now that I am almost 23 and never been on a date I guess I gotta quit being so picky. There are two unforgivable sins 1) being democrat 2) having long hair. While we were watching the Patriots play on Thanksgiving, my Grandpa couldn’t get over Tom Brady’s hair, it ruined his Thanksgiving he even wrote a letter to the Patriots saying he refused to watch anymore games till that “wooly booger” cut his hair. When I started to grow a shag he showed me a Bible verse that it was disgraceful to have long hair, all my hair fell out right then thats why I am bald. My Granddad also has a compulsive shopping disorder even though he thinks it’s the end world when I spend 5.71 at Chickfila. He spent 10,000 dollars plus a horse just so he could make the cover of the Dadeville Times, however the is quite the accomplishment. He also just bought 200 cord phones that don’t even work because he got a good deal on them for a dollar a piece plus 4 school buses because that’s just what everyone needs. He also owns about 30 goats, 200 rabbits, 4 cows, and two peacocks. He doesn’t even live on a farm. Playing board games with him should be a reality show, we played scategories and for a school supply that starts with “r” he put “racer” as in eraser. This is ptobably one of those you had to be there blogs for it to be funny.

My First Encounter With A Prostitute

I am pretty naive, like I just found out R. Kelly’s song “Remix to Ignition” isn’t about starting a car. A few months  back I was driving with some friends through fulton industrial. One of my friends asked if I wanted to see a prostitute, and I didn’t believe they were real so I said yes. I thought at best we would see some chick just walking down the road. Well homeboy takes us on some ghetto backroad to a crack motel. Sure enough there was a prostitute on the corner, dressed like a prostitute. I was dumbfounded and still am. For some reason my friend decides to turn into the motel parking lot and I guess there was a drug deal going on and some 12 ft black guy starts coming at our car and in mind he had a gun and shot me three times so I had a panic attack and blacked out. I am alive so I assume we got out of there safely but am I the only person that didn’t know prostitutes were real?

The First Night In My Apartment I Get Killed…Well Almost

So last night was the first night in my new apartment, I was super excited about. Ready to be on my own. It was a long day I got up at 3:47 to do the Bert Show then spent the day moving heavy crap to the 5th floor then had to go to work at 5. When I got home around midnight I just wanted to shower and go to bed. Just as I am about to get out of the shower I hear what sounds like someone playing with my door knob. However, I have a huge fear of someone breaking in my house and murdering me so every little noise scares me. Then I get out of the shower and it sounds like someone just unlocked the door and came in. At this point I’m pissed that I am going to be not only killed but killed in the nude. How awkward is that? Then I am going to be in Heaven and watch as someone finds my naked body. Luckily they didn’t get in so I go throw on my boxers and get ready to go check it, I get close to the door and can see they are turning the knob and trying to push the door open. I run and hide in my closet and start crying like a dying gorilla. I already decided I was going to get killed so instead of calling the cops I call my friends and family to tell them goodbye. None of the douchebags answer, so obviously I need better friends. And the very climatic ending…..the murderer goes away but now I am paranoid to be in my apartment. Crappy luck for the first night.